Progress – 07/31/17

Fiction words written last week: 1,170 words

Blogs/Newsletter articles/non-fiction written:  470 words

Writing month to date total: 37,745 words

Writing year to date total: 224,962 words.

Drawing/painting last week: 0 square inches and no sketching either

Audio: I spent 0 hours recording and editing audio.

Week’s happenings: There was no getting back on my writing streak. Unfortunately, my emergency, which ended my streak as reported in last week’s progress report, had a tragic conclusion. My father passed away last week. It’s hard thinking that my brother and I are now “orphans” in this world. I’ve known this day would come, but I was hoping it was much further off, like another twenty years or so.

I finished drafting the 6th Loki novella while I was sitting in the hospital room. It’s hard knowing that my dad will never read it, especially since it’s the only writing of mine he ever enjoyed. He read the first five novellas over and over, and he kept asking about updates for the next one. I can only hope that ebooks make their way to the great beyond too. If anyone is going to be reading from there, it will be my dad. I’m sure he’s anxiously waiting for Bernard Cornwell’s next novel as well.

Writing while waiting in the hospital room was the only reason I continued to get some words done during that week. As things started to look less and less hopeful, I couldn’t focus on writing. Slipping into another world felt impossible when other decisions needed made at the time. I had to think about what my father would want and the voices of my characters faded to silence. At the moment, I’m finding it hard to get any writing done. My characters remain quiet with their own sense of mourning. I have other matters to focus on, things that need to get done. As much as I want to slip off into another world, I know I’m not because I’m emotionally drained right now and that this too shall pass after I get rested up. I’ve been trying to use this time wisely, thinking about the direction of my own life and its progression. I can’t shake the feeling that some major changes are coming; that this is not only a new phase of my life, but a new beginning.

There is a part of me which thinks that now I am free to do as I wish. Can I move forward now? Or will I still hold the same fears I’ve felt for years? I am curious to have these answers.

Or maybe it’s just my brain trying to deal with grief.

I hope I can start painting again. Let’s be truthful: I haven’t really done any painting since my mom died several years ago. During that time, I made several sketches of paintings I wanted to do, including a whole series of paintings, but I never got around to painting them. I always figured the emotions were too raw to create them. What I have managed to paint, which hasn’t been those ideas because I’ve been trying not to think about them, has felt forced and uninspired. Even my comic book work has slacked off since then. Will I be able to move passed those sketches and ideas I during that time? Some of the images I hold in my mind from then, which I tried to capture in my sketches, will never be represented satisfactorly on canvas; there is no way I can reproduce that image to the beauty and perfection I saw in my mind and maybe I have been afraid to try, partially because I feared the critiques that would come. If I painted and had a family member, like my father for example, tell me that it wasn’t good at all and “what is that thing?” when I knew what inspired the painting, would I be able to handle it? Yet I have always felt like I won’t be able to progress until I do those images. And I haven’t.

Still, I can’t help but wonder what the future holds. Am I finally going to be able to steer my life in the direction I have always dreamed of? Am I free to be the creative person I long to be? Or will I find myself stuck in another mud pit, truly scared of moving forward? So many questions I have running through my mind right now. I wait for a sign, feeling impatient as always, and remind myself that it has been less than a week since these changes happened in my life, so what can I expect? I’ve never been good with waiting. Especially when I feel the ground shaking beneath my feet.

What’s next?

I have a feeling it’s going to be a difficult few months with dealing with a lot of things. Maybe by the time I reach the end of it, I’ll have an answer. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to get back to my writing streak for a while. I may just have to take it slow and wait for things to settle once more. In the end, I trust the process and I know that everything is happening just as it should.