Reap what you sow – so they say

The scratches Temmy left on my arm yesterday must have traumatized my body more than I thought.

Early in the morning, I dreamt that I was outside with a couple people — I don’t remember their faces or who they were. I was carrying an animal. In the dream, I knew what the animal was, but now I don’t remember what it was. Rather than a smoke detector going off, it was an eagle coming in. On of the people with me called the eagle down as if it were a falcon. It scared the animal in my arms, which took off and left long scratches in my arm.

At least the scratches tonight no longer look like a lion scratched me.

After I woke from this dream, I went outside to work in my yard. I got it all tamed down. I even harvested several large zucchini and smaller squashes from my yard. You see some of those above. Here’s more that I took in today.

I ate half of one of the acorn squashes tonight. Pretty good. I wish it hadn’t fallen apart as I took it out of my pressure cooker. I guess the next one I’ll try to do in the over. (Hopefully it won’t set off the smoke detector! (grin))

Now that I’ve danced around it, I knew it was time to sit down and figure a schedule as I mentioned previously. Of course, that really brought out the critical voice. All day I’ve had it asking me repetitive questions and keeping me in a sort of mental loop. I could have been writing or painting, but no. Instead, I’m thinking. Yep. Thinking. I even told myself that and couldn’t stop. On some level, I’m letting the critical voice win because I agree with it that I want a direction. It’s strange to think, but yes, I want to have a focus.

And that’s kind of silly because I’m already writing stories I want to write and painting paintings I want to paint. Okay, this last bit I do feel like I could expand upon. There’s more I want to paint. Yet, my critical voice keeps me afraid to try.

It stinks. And it’s a waste of time. I know this. It doesn’t mean I can get out of my mind enough to “figure it out.” The answer really is to take action. Feel the fear and move. Again, I know this.

So why can’t I?

Why can’t I move forward?

I keep returning to wanting something to focus on, a sort of goal to achieve. Then I’m in that loop again.

It has really worn me out today.

And makes me feel like a failure.

As I learned during my trip to Washington earlier this year, I need to plan the journey ahead of me. I need a good map, to know where I am and to know where I’m going. I can’t just drive along by intuition and scant street signs. All that does is end me up lost. Hence, focus. And, what do I want to give my life to? How am I going to proceed?

How do I decide without wasting more time?

Why haven’t I answered this already? Why does it all have to be so confusing?

Dang the critical voice. It needs to go whimper in a corner.

Meanwhile, squash and zucchini will be my comfort food. (grin)