Held back

Well, my subconscious was not a good place to be last night.

I woke up from a terrible elevator/earthquake dream last night. Temmy came in then and tried to curl up with me (on my face). She kept trying to comfort me by sticking her paw up (in my face). I didn’t even sleep well and I kept moving, and Temmy would move around with me. Yes, trying to get back into my face. I appreciate that she wanted to soothe me, but she actually made me sleep strangely and wake up with a sore back. Not to mention all the other strange dreams. Fortunately, I don’t remember them other than I kept waking up feeling like I needed to escape, but I couldn’t wake up enough.

When I finally did surface enough to pull myself out of these strange dreams, I just had the feeling that it was punishment for not writing yesterday. I clearly had time to do so and I chose not to.

So, I got up to write. I didn’t finish my novel today, because Temmy and I took a nap together in the late morning. I guess we were both tired. I wrote for a bit after that, but then I thought I’d get to painting.

That was actually worse than the dreams.

I never made it to the easel. I fought fear instead.

I hate being afraid of doing something. It’s not like me. I began to journal, and very slowly, about what I was feeling. But even when I had it out, I knew the way to defeat it was action, but I couldn’t do anything. I tried to convince myself that I had a couple easy steps that I could do and try, but I couldn’t get myself to move. Why am I so terrified to even give this a try? I mean, if I fail, no one ever has to see it but me. Why can’t I get going? I am completely unable to attempt to do what I want to do. It’s not like it hasn’t been done before. I just want to try something a little different. Heck, it’s not even that different. It’s not outlandish. It’s just a new way for me. And I can’t step onto that path. It ticks me off.

There are no lions and tigers and bears. Just me and my own brain, the same one that seemed determined to haunt me last night because I didn’t create. So why won’t it let me progress?

I know it’s a terror barrier I’m facing and I need to press through it. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.

I will get there.

But not today.

Keep moving forward.