Stopping the noise, maybe

I sometimes forget that this isn’t a rush and I get into a hurry. Yesterday was such a day.

It’s hard to want to be at a certain destination and have the kids in the back seat yammering, “Are we there yet?” Add a nagging critical voice and it just becomes unbearable. Anything to get all that noise to stop.

Today, I had the reminder that I can’t be in a hurry. Actually, I had that reminder a couple of time. The first time really chapped my hide and made me flat-out angry, which just intensified the need for NOW!

But, of course, the day wasn’t done with me yet. After I had destressed a bit, I remembered that my first obligation is to have fun with what I do. If I’m not having fun, why am I doing it? When I was doing the “planning” the other day, if anything, I should have been deciding how to have more fun, give me something to play with so that even if it isn’t outwardly a great success (which is outside of my control), I’ve had some enjoyment with it. That is in my control.

It’s going to be hard to find out what will be a fun challenge. I’m so used to none of my plans working out. Yeah, I’m that person who hates to be asked the statement, “Remember a time when you were facing a challenge and what you did to be triumphant?” Me, triumphant? That has rarely been my luck. I can only think of two times that I felt on top of the world. Once was during a swim meet of 400 meter butterfly. I won by dang near a whole lap. There’s part of me that’s still afraid that I actually lost count of the laps. But, I have a gold metal, so…. The second time was when I won an award, but heck, I didn’t even know about it. So, I can’t really say that was something I worked for. It happened as a result of the work I’d done. Me, trying to please my father, who would never actually say that he was proud of me until after he’d already asked why I hadn’t done better. Yeah, he was probably being sarcastic each time he asked why my grades weren’t higher, but kids don’t understand a dry sense of humor and sarcasm. All my life, even into college, his “not quite good enough” comments stung. Yes, it’s very hard to admit this, but I’ve realized that I won’t get over it if I keep suppressing it. If I’m being completely honest, I’ve even been considering getting some counseling over this because I see that it runs so deeply in my life.

I’ve been reading What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter. I see that I’ve gotten a good start at controlling my thoughts, but I still have work to do. What if the purpose of life what to continually make yourself better and to have fun while doing it? A challenging thrill-ride, right?

Yeah, that’s probably be another plan that wouldn’t work out well for me. (grin)

I do believe that we’re meant to have fun in life. That I do.

I just hope I haven’t forgotten how to do that in the years that I’ve been trying desperately to be a successful adult. To say that was I was having moderate success at that would be a stretch. At least I don’t intend to coast to the grave. I still have that destination I’d like to get to and nothing grows overnight. Everything takes time. That is something I must remember.