Self-doubt takes a loss

This weekend did something (amazing, I hope) for me.

Other than just being fun, I learned that I am more capable than I think I am. As I get older and feel myself losing the strength and flexibility I once knew, and I see things not working out as I’d once hoped, I find self-doubt creeping in more and more.

It has been pointed out to me that I have a lot of self-doubt, or more appropriately I bought into that which others were feeding me.

This weekend backed that all up. I have been doubting myself in so many areas that I just feel like one big ball of “I can’t.” It’s easy to want to give up. I was fighting a lot of that in my head last week and convincing myself that I’d be okay, that I could do it in one area of my life.

That’s when another came in and fought to make me prove it. And I did it, and in a lot less time than I thought it would.

We are so often wanting to live in the fairy tale that were told life can be, but reality is rarely so kind or compatible. We think we want one thing, but we can’t have it due to what we do have. It’s reaching for the shiny silver ring when we already have the gold one in our hand and we only want the sparkly one because were told we should want it, while not realizing that what we have is more valuable.

But it’s that which makes the doubt creep in. What if what we’re holding isn’t as valuable as we believe. What if something else is better?

Yes, I may have gotten a little off-track there, but that’s truly how this starts. Small, with deceptive stories that we long to be true, that we’re told how the world should be. When it turns out differently, we believe the fault is with us, that we did something wrong. We start seeking ways too improve ourselves. If we just control our thoughts and focus on what we want, we can have it.

Except when it doesn’t come, then we’re told that we must have let our thoughts slip, or that we didn’t really want it, or that the power of the universe knows better for us. It’s no wonder self-doubt creeps in so fast. It’s always our fault that life doesn’t work out the way we wish it.

But take control of your life, child. You can have everything you want.

What a vicious cycle.

Yes, I have spent a long time in this cycle. A lot of it is here in the blog. Remember Doogie Howser and how he wrote a little post at the end of each episode? I’ve often wondered if, assuming the characters were real, he looked back on it and wondered just what had been going on in his life when he wrote it and if he’d consider himself wise or a fool.

I’m not saying that self-improvement is a waste of time because yes I do believe we all can use a little improvement. I also believe visitation is important, but only when action is also taken. But, I’m starting to see that hanging dreams on self-improvement is a doorway for doubt, disappointment, and discouragement to walk through. I might be important to take a few wins while one is trying to improve.

Even if one is scared to do so.

Yeah, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make the win by myself. But I did. And I realized that did make me capable, or more so than I thought I was, and that’s a powerful feeling.

It still hasn’t given me the fairy tale, but it did move me forward in my life. That’s been missing.

So, maybe that is all the self-improvement I’ve been doing, or the visualizations, or meditations. Maybe they ask we’re finally taking hold to change my life and just needed the action.

Hard to say, isn’t it?

I think there’s a certain amount of determination which has to be put in, determination which leads to a willingness to action.

Maybe this only comes after the fairy tale has been released and one no longer expects to be saved or have a happily ever after. And maybe some release it faster than others. I’ve said before that I’m a bit slow sometimes.

It felt good to have that determination once again and overcome (at least some of) the doubt which has been plaguing me. I have, at least for one moment, able to redirect my life in a way I wished. It’s no fairy tale, but then again, what is?